


Where I Find Myself

by Jenna_Nicole



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, References to Depression, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-24 02:13:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21330556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenna_Nicole/pseuds/Jenna_Nicole
Summary: Had he allowed himself to process the grief of his ex? No. Had he faced the realness of the upcoming crisis in any capacity? No. Had he thought of the lives of all the strangers who would die if Barry didn’t? No.Instead, he found himself staring at his reflection in a store window, wondering who it was that he was looking at. Where were the wide eyes? Where was the leader he had become? Where was his passion and his love? His determination? His protectiveness? Where was Cisco Ramon?
Relationships: Cisco Ramon/Caitlin Snow, Kamilla Hwang/Cisco Ramon
Comments: 1
Kudos: 18





	Where I Find Myself

**Author's Note:**

> This was a very random idea of what I thought could somewhat happen in Kiss Kiss Breach Breach if I was correct about my predictions with Breacher's appearance and the teased murder. Cisco hasn't been himself for a long time and I wanted to focus on that in a fic.   
So please try to enjoy this emotional rollercoaster of a story. 
> 
> I took some inspiration from the song 'Where I Find Myself' by Empathy Test.

_ Who am I?  _

It was beyond strange to ask a question that he had sworn to know the answer to in distant memory. Back when he pursued the things he loved and the things he cared for, as he embraced the gift of dark matter, and more than anything, as he found his purpose, within a group of faces that he could only describe as family. He had grown from a wide-eyed young scientist into a driven eyed leader, who would never give up his world no matter how broken and damaged it may be. His friends were his earth. His powers were a special benefit. And in haste memory, he wouldn’t trade any of those things even if the meant his life. 

So now, he wasn’t sure what angered him more. The casual nature he had so willingly had given up one of the best parts of himself, or the helplessness he felt at the thought of his family being torn away from him by some ominous future he had no ability to protect them from. 

It hardly mattered. Today he found more than ever how close the crisis was impending, as Breacher retold the events of earth 19’s destruction, as every person, including Cynthia, was torn away from his grasp. And simply gone, permanently, without any time to prepare or reverse the event. 

Cisco’s mind should be on the impending doom of the people of the earth, but his mind just spiraled in circles for hours, as he had been walking all night since Josh had arrived at Kamilla’s late in the night. Breacher had left quickly, saying he was going to travel to other earths to attempt to prevent these events from happening there too. Kamilla had followed this news with a series of questions that Cisco hardly wanted to answer. So perhaps rudely so, he excused himself from her home and began running the streets until he could hear nothing but the pounding of his heart block out the city noise. 

Had he allowed himself to process the grief of his ex? No. Had he faced the realness of the upcoming crisis in any capacity? No. Had he thought of the lives of all the strangers who would die if Barry didn’t? No. 

Instead, he found himself staring at his reflection in a store window, wondering who it was that he was looking at. Where were the wide eyes? Where was the leader he had become? Where was his passion and his love? His determination? His protectiveness? Where was Cisco Ramon? 

He had claimed he was giving himself a chance to be Cisco Ramon. 

Instead, he had handed Cisco Ramon over to the cure, which created some new person without any of the things he knew he must be. So instead of thinking about the things anyone else would think about, he found himself completely numb, staring at himself without a trace of recognition. 

_ Who am I?  _

His phone buzzing moved his gaze momentarily away from the window and instead onto the face of his best friend. He didn’t have to think before he answered. “Caitlin,” he said, hoping it was, in fact, Caitlin, and not Frost. 

“Cisco, where are you?” she said, thankfully Caitlin. “Kamilla called and said you took off. What’s going on?” 

Turning away from the window, he leaned against the brick wall, finally feeling his exhaustion. “I’m okay.” 

She sounded less relieved than when he first picked up. “Where are you?” 

_ Good question, _ he told himself bitterly, glancing at his literal location for the first time since he had arrived. “I’m a few blocks away from Star Labs. Tell Kamilla everything's fine. I just needed to clear my head.” 

“Okay,” she said, but she didn’t seem to be hanging up as she paused for a long time. “Kamilla told me what Breacher said.” 

Cisco just stared at the passing cars, wondering what he was supposed to say about it. How he was supposed to say anything at all. There wasn’t anything to say. And when he didn’t say anything for a while, he could hear Caitlin pacing the floor. 

“I’m surprised she reached out to you,” he said finally, ignoring the thought of Cynthia some more as he absentmindedly began walking up the road toward Star Labs. 

Caitlin hadn’t ever said anything about it, but there had always been a quiet tension between her and Kamilla. Caitlin probably didn’t know Cisco noticed. But how could he not? Caitlin and Kamilla were supposed to be his two favorite people. And if his two favorite people avoided each other like the plague, he would notice. And he did. 

“She contacted everyone else first. But with Barry and Iris away, she didn’t have a choice. Plus, you didn’t pick up when Joe and Cecile called. Or Ralph. Come to the lab, Cisco.” 

He wished he could just breach there. 

“I’m on my way,” he said, noting he had naturally been walking there before she had ever asked. 

The ten blocks he then walked made him furious for his powers like nothing else. 

He didn’t want to collapse in the middle of Star Labs, but he must have looked like he might because Caitlin had that look she always had in her eyes when she was in doctor mode. He didn’t mind it as she removed his coat and pushed the hair out of his face. He didn’t mind at all. Even her cold hands felt warm after several hours in the cold of mid-November. 

She studied him then as if she had the ability to read minds all a sudden, though she had always been able to read him. Maybe because he was so incredibly easy to read. He always wore his heart on his sleeve. Maybe this morning was no different. 

“Is Kamilla here?” he finally asked. 

Her eyes grew a moment as she shook her head. “No, she went home when I told her you were alright.” 

He looked relieved. “Thank you.” 

She smiled small. “You aren’t mad I lied?” 

“Not at all,” he sighed, getting up to go to the lounge. He was happy to curl up and sleep for a bit. But he motioned for Caitlin to follow him and she did quietly, and she would have anyway. She wasn’t about to leave him. She would return the favor he had done a hundred times before. 

And so they sat in silence, drinking coffee and watching the sun come up. As somber as events may be, it felt right, like he was a little bit more like himself for a moment. Nevertheless, he wasn’t. He had to know if it was all in his head or if she saw it too. 

“Am I different?” he asked, pulling her out of whatever daydream she was caught in. 

She shrugged. “Different than what?” 

It was so simple but immensely complicated. “Me.” 

She placed her mug on the table, almost contemplating, but her eyes were enough of an answer. “Of course.” She bit her lip, moving closer so that her eyes were level with his. “But also, no.” 

“What do you mean by that?” 

“You first.” 

“You first,” he protested, flashing his tired eyes at her pleadingly. 

She decided she might as well just give in. It was too early to fight it and she hardly had the heart to fight Cisco on anything at the moment. “You’ve suffered,” she said. “You’re still you, but you’ve changed.” 

“After this crisis, I’ll be someone else entirely.” 

“Don’t say that,” she said. “There still might be a way to save Barry. Save everyone. And either way, you will always be Cisco Ramon, my best friend, no matter what happens” 

How could he tell her that wasn’t even that now? He wasn’t her best friend. Her best friend had life in him. Her best friend had hope for the future. He wouldn’t give it all away. He wouldn’t be sitting beside her wondering if somehow he was a stranger to her now. 

“I shouldn’t have taken the cure.” 

And there it was. The irreversible action that truly sealed the deal on Cisco Ramon’s death certificate. He had been dying for months. He had been becoming less and less of himself with every day he walked into Star Labs, feeling strange there, like a ghost that haunted the building now. And for what reason? Maybe it was impossible to trace. But it must have been before he broke up with Cynthia. Before Harry left. Before The Thinker or Cicada. 

Maybe it all went back to that time he almost lost his best friend, Caitlin Snow. 

And then lost Barry. 

And now he was going to lose Barry all over again. 

It would only make sense for Caitlin to go away too soon. He might as well expect it. 

But then, maybe the only person who ever really left was Cisco Ramon. 

The deal was made when he chose that cure. 

“I know.” 

“You should have stopped me.” 

“I know.” 

If he knew anything about himself at all, it was the raw shock of waking up that morning after taking the cure, lifting his hands to his face, and contemplating why he didn’t feel relieved. Why didn’t he feel as if he had embraced his true nature for the first time in months? Why didn’t he feel as if a weight had been lifted? Letting his hands fall to his sides in frustration, he had blinked, wondering for a moment what he was thinking, or if he had been thinking at all. Of course, the weight from the last few months wasn’t there, but he didn’t exactly feel anything at all. 

His initial excitement for his relationship with Kamilla as a normal person without powers faded quickly. Maybe it the numbness that didn’t really go away after taking the cure. Maybe it was the hasty way in which he had forced a relationship that seemed like it might be alright for the sake of not being alone. But he wasn’t feeling it anymore. Maybe he never had to begin with. But it was clear she wasn’t what he needed, and even more clear he could never be what she wanted right now. The fact that he would look at her, or look at anyone, and feel nothing might be the give away that something was wrong. 

So now as he sat in Star Labs, mentally creating a list of all his horrible decisions lately, he wondered why for the first time in months, he was convinced he was truly feeling something. Granted, this feeling was not love for Kamilla or acceptance of his circumstances, but anger at himself. But it was a feeling. It was real and raw and alive and he would take it if it meant he could feel something other than this quiet emptiness. 

He considered that maybe the Kamilla situation was all on him and with a single emotion he might see it differently. If he could fix whatever was wrong with him, then maybe he would see her in a different light. But he almost didn’t want to. 

“What do you think of Kamilla? I’m thinking it might not be exactly right.” 

She was taken aback. Looking down at her lap, she almost found herself nodding in agreement but she kept her face blank. Or as blank as she could with Cisco looking at her like this. 

“Do you want me to agree?” 

He almost laughed to himself. “I know you don’t like her.” 

“It’s not that.” 

Cisco looked confused. “It’s not what?” 

She bit her lip again. A nervous habit Cisco knew well. “It’s not that I don’t like her. Kamilla is nice.” 

“Then what?” 

“You deserve better than nice.” 

Silence flooded the room. 

They sat together in the morning light, blankets over their laps, and two pairs of exhausted eyes looking at each other.  _ Breathe, _ she told herself when the silence felt like it was encompassing them both. 

“Sorry, if that was weird,” he said. 

“It was never weird to talk about this stuff in the past. Why should it be weird now?” 

“It shouldn’t and it isn’t,” he replied, yawning. 

There were many things that still circled through his mind, but he thought maybe he should give it some rest. 

When he didn’t say anything for a while, Caitlin smiled a little, glancing his way. “How about a day off?” 

Groaning, Cisco shut his eyes. “This is supposed to be the week I prove I can lead team flash. I can’t just take a vacation.” 

Caitlin sighed, seeming to not move on from the idea. “Barry will understand. But also, there’s been no sight of Ramsay. Ralph is looking into that case. Everything seems quiet. One day isn’t going to hurt, I promise. Barry doesn’t even have to know.” 

“Right, Ramsay…” he mumbled, half asleep anyway. “Bloodwork.” 

“Blood Work? Okay, you haven’t done than in a while.” 

Hugging a pillow, he began tipping over into it. “What?” he said, muffled. 

“Naming the bad guys. It used to be your jam. Remember?” 

He laughed a little, crashing. 

“When you wake up we’re going to have fun, okay?” 

And she kept her promise. 

Six hours later and past noon, Cisco pulled himself off the loft a bit dismembered and out of it. He nearly knocked over the stack of things on the coffee table, in an attempt to sit up. “What?” 

Looking ahead, he found himself smiling just a bit at the sight, feeling like he was in some state of  déjà vu . 

In front of him was practically everything he knew he must have loved once. Everything that had filled each night in the beginning years at Star Labs, sometimes with Ronnie, sometimes with Barry, but mostly with just Caitlin. Quite reluctantly at times, he had begged her to just sit and binge every old movie till the sun came up, all while they ate nothing but junk food until the marathon ended. At least he would. Caitlin was famously known for crashing halfway through The Battle of Yavin only to wake up the next day and ask for the 100th time if Luke and Han ever left the Death Star. 

He could recall a time on Caitlin’s couch one night, hanging half upside down with a Twizzler in the corner of his mouth, all while Caitlin went on and on about memories with Ronnie Raymond, and Cisco would just laugh at her horrible reenactments of everyone’s voices. One time he laughed so hard that he fell off the couch completely, knocking over a full bowl of popcorn. Caitlin had just rolled her eyes, saying she knew it would happen eventually if he didn’t start sitting on the couch like a normal person. 

Now Cisco sat right up on the couch, pillow still in his hands as he took in the scenery of the many options before him. And for the first time in forever, he felt a little bit of excitement for a day at Star Labs. He began to look around, still gathering his footing after his nap, in an attempt to find Caitlin. “Caitlin?” he asked.

“Hey,” she said, placing a hand on his shoulder. 

“Oh hi,” he responded, trying to not sound like he was still half asleep. Of course, it didn’t really matter if he was somewhat half asleep. He was awake now. “What is all that for?” he asked.

“Our day off,” she said, walking back over with him. “I was thinking we could both use it. How does this sound? No Frost. No Vibe. No Crisis. No stress. Just you, me, and the movie of your choosing.” 

“It sounds...great,” he said, but then shook his head. “But I don’t know. We should focus on Bloodwork. The city needs protecting.” 

She sighed, pulling on his arm toward the couch. “If we get an alert, we will go. But Cisco, if this week is about finding your footing as the leader of team flash, you should probably spend time finding yourself first.” 

“I know who I am.” 

“You wouldn’t have said the things you did last night if you believed that.”

Even now, contemplating, he resisted. He resisted the very option of focusing on something other than the work. The thousands of things that maybe should be done but could still wait. The little things that he felt he needed to do despite the things that he needed. 

When Barry chose him to lead the team, Caitlin thought he was wrong to do so. Not because she doubted his abilities. Not because he wouldn’t lead them well. Not because he couldn’t do it. In fact, Barry had every reason to believe Cisco would find a way to make the team stronger even despite the effects the crisis may have. But what he didn’t account for was Cisco and what it would do to him. What it had already done to him. 

She feared deeply what that pressure would do to him. Even deeper she feared the day she would no longer look into his eyes and see the Cisco Ramon she had grown to love over the years, only to one day find a worn man who had given his life for the city and his friend but never once stopped to do a single thing for himself. 

Maybe that’s what he already was. 

“Why are you doing this?” he asked after a long pause. 

What could she honestly say? “I worry about you.” 

Placing a hand on her shoulder, he shook his head. “You shouldn’t, you know? Don’t worry about what I said last night. I was just upset about Cynthia.” 

Taking advantage of where his hands were, she hugged him. Not in the simple way they usually would. Not in a casual, kind way. Not out of pure friendship. But this time, out of the loss of words. She couldn’t explain it. She couldn’t get him to admit what she knew must be true. So she held him tightly as if she was all that was keeping his organs from spilling out. 

“You didn’t say anything about Cynthia last night.” 

Stiffly, so not like Cisco, he simply said, “yeah, I know.” 

And he just stood there, emotion drained from his face, allowing her to do as she wished. 

Pulling back, she searched his face, horrified at the sight. It was her worst nightmare. “Cisco,” she whispered, voice cracking. “Look at me.” 

And he did, with the same tired, emotionless eyes. “I am.” 

She wasn’t sure if he had looked this way the night before or if he had looked this way for months. Perhaps every person that he knew had looked past it without a single thought. It stung like nothing else to know, especially since nobody could help it anymore. 

Though she wasn’t stopping. 

She pulled him close again as if she was grasping onto the very last pieces of Cisco, and maybe she was. That’s all she could do. And if it wasn’t enough then it wasn’t enough. All that mattered is that Cisco knew she was always moments away. In this case, impossible to escape. 

After some time, when Cisco was still standing there like a statue and she had done everything in her power to get him to look at her, to truly look at her, she sighed aloud. And then she began to pull away. 

But he gripped her arm suddenly, shaking his head. “Stay,” he whispered, placing his eyes on the floor between them. And so she stayed. 

More time passed. Mere seconds really, but she felt as if, at least by the aching of her legs, that it had been two hours at the point in which she felt her shoulder grow damp and Cisco went soft, like a liquid puddle in her arms. And his quiet dullness turned into something else entirely. 

He broke. 

In half a second, which must have been minutes or maybe years of repression, the entirety of what he had tried so hard to hold back had no choice but to spill out. Some of it in the form of angry, bitter, and sorrowful sobbing. Some of it in the sheer exhaustion he had as their steady hug had turned into them both lying on the floor in a tangled mess. And perhaps some of it was in the way he finally rested his head in her lap in the middle of the afternoon, saying, “Okay, just one movie, okay?” 

It was a slow process. 

The first movie was watched in mostly silence and occasional repeats of what happened before they sat down. 

The second movie Cisco had quietly agreed to, as he got up and put it in the VCR, because yes, Cisco owned all the classics on VHS. He wouldn’t get rid of them. 

By the sixth movie, it was late in the night again, and Cisco had stopped it only to let Kamilla know he was completely fine and would return to her eventually. Perhaps not in the way she expected. He had made his mind up about that one. 

After putting down his phone and nearly falling asleep on the couch again, there was a sudden change in tone, where hours of mostly quiet movie watching turned into Cisco somehow laughing so hard he could barely breathe, with his face on the floor and spilled coffee in his hair. Caitlin had been on the couch, laughing loudly into her hands at nothing more than Cisco’s laughter. 

By the next day, neither of them could remember what the hell was so funny. 

It was a mess. No other words could describe it. 

The next morning, Caitlin turned to Cisco, who was passed out on the floor beside her in some blanket fort she couldn’t remember the creation of. “Cisco?” 

“Mhmm,” he mumbled into the carpet. 

“I think we need to have a mandatory movie night with team flash. Every week.” 

“Every week,” he responded, falling back to sleep on the floor. 

The day began again, and both of them had accepted that it was time for them to focus on Ramsay as well as the upcoming Crisis. The reality was evident. Nothing would be able to stop it, not unless they did their part in trying. Grief would have to take a backseat, as long as Caitlin stood beside him as they worked. She wasn’t going anywhere if she had any say in it. Not as long as he let her stay. 

He had walked back to Kamilla’s house later that day with the intent of gathering his things and telling her the only thing he knew felt right. He wouldn’t lead her on. She was good to him, but he would never be able to be good to her. Not how he would like to. So he had told her that he couldn’t be with her at the moment, and maybe not ever. It was him, not her. And he wasn’t lying. But he couldn’t be what she wanted all while he couldn’t even recognize himself like he used to. 

She was kind about it. She had understood and helped him pack his things into the Star Labs van like the nice person she was. But she was that, as Caitlin said, nice. Just nice. And maybe someday he would find someone better than nice for himself. Maybe he didn’t need to look all that hard. 

But he wasn’t exactly looking. 

He returned to Star Labs then, working beside his best friend at another attempt to stop Bloodwork. And as the hours grew long, they took breaks. They talked more. It was slowly becoming more like it used to. 

Even though it never would be like it used to. 

Cynthia was still dead. Barry was still supposed to Vanish in the Crisis. He was somehow expected to lead something he could barely handle the thought of at the moment. But he would have to do it, and he would. Star Labs felt different. More than anything, he felt different. 

But some things stayed the same. He had almost lost sight of his best friend in the months of feeling nothing, but she was still here. Even as Frost, she would be Caitlin for him if he asked. She understood that Caitlin was who he wanted. Caitlin would always be his home. 

“You good?” she asked, looking up from her work. 

He just watched her, letting it set in just how much he had missed her. “Yeah, I’m good.” 

It was contentment, for the first time in a while. It was nice. 

He shook his head to himself, sneaking a glance at her handiwork, unable to stop himself from marveling at how much he missed working with her. 

And it wasn’t nice. 

It was so much more than nice. It was home. 

  
  
  



End file.
